At the time I was not aware of any details other than the obvious status of him being a "wanted man". My spirit had indeed advised me properly, as not more than a few months later there were swarms of undercover agents all over our neighborhood in pursuit of this mans arrest. This gentleman involved himself in a heap of trouble a while back, and I made the decision to disassociate myself from his business. Well yesterday I was met with the reality of the above scripture in real time! I was approached by an individual whom actually used to be my neighbor and business colleague. There is still a lot of guilt and insecurity from my past deep down inside that simple loves to poke at my thoughts at just the proper moments! Anyone else on the outside points out that my son truly is very fond of me, I just have the tendency to not allow myself to see what they do (it's a process :) ). He carefully calculates decisions and outcomes, so when he told me that they were coming to church my mind was literally blown with thought and wonder! I think my anxiety stemmed partially from my warped view of how I think my son sees me (his mother).
My son is a very quiet and private person. I had based the idea in my mind off of very little information other than, "they are way older", "they are strict", and "her mom works from home". I had little information to work with, other than the sporadic statement here and there from my son these past months. Not once did I feel judged or under the microscope of scrutiny as I had expected would be the case. They had a very down to earth and peaceful aura about them. I felt like I had known these two individuals (her parents) for years despite only having spent a couple of hours together. After sharing a meal and conversation, I was the most comfortable I have ever felt with any on my son's past dates. He is pretty engaged in his relationship with his sweetheart, and we actually got to meet her parents this past weekend! They came to our church service this past Sunday, and from there we went out for lunch. My husband and I are getting used to sharing the same space together, and our oldest son is tiptoeing toward 'flight' (I feel that in my spirit). The calm and serenity that is my life today leaves me with a lack of interest in journaling. The gaps between writing are getting larger and larger, to the point where I am feeling lost and out of focus. May I, through Your strength and love, be Your hands, feet, and voice! Amen You allowed me to go through finely tuned experiences and trials that have formed me into the girl that I am today. Piles and piles and miles and miles of toxic thinking can wire itself in such a way that one could feel so lost and hopeless, but I see the power of God working for the good through my awareness of that reality!įather God, through the mighty and miraculous name of Jesus Christ, I praise You for pulling me out of a mindset that destroys! I am deeply saddened by the way that my dad left this world, but I know that You bring goodness out of any dark places! Help me to plant seeds of light for another that is 'lost' in a personal darkness of their own. I have learned much from my dad though about the seriousness of mental disorders.
Oh how the love of God could have made the situation entirely different. I am so grateful for the humans that are in my life and the relationships that God has blessed me with! It makes me sad think about my dad and his battle for peace and serenity in this world. I do not feel any lack or need for the intimate love that is the ultimate life sustaining experience. God does place us in His perfect family and places other believers around us to form a spiritual family. I know that my blood siblings and I may not have the relationship that one would consider normal or expected, but that is how life goes sometimes. We have been through many trials and tribulations since the move, and I am forever grateful for the life experience that I have endured personally. I often wonder if that would be different had we not moved to Texas however, I cannot imagine my life being any different than it is today. There hasn't been much of a connection ther between myself and my siblings. I have been thinking a lot about him and my brothers. Today is Independence Day, and it is also the day that my dad took his own life 3 years ago now.
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